This guy? 

"Chet Kelly, from the 1970s TV show Emergency!?"

I only wish I could grow a mustache like that.

The doppelganger?

"Surely you must be this Tim Donnelly, who writes about surfing, music, and happens to be based at your hometown paper, the Asbury Park Press? "

Wrong again. But you can imagine how much confusion this has led to in my life. I'm pretty sure we're enemies. He may even be reading this right now. Watch out, doppelganger!

Here's his bio I found online. He sounds, um, cooler than me:

Tim Donnelly is a contributor to Harp Magazine, Relix Magazine, ESPN.com, Asbury Park Press, NJ Monthly Magazine, Backstreets Magazine, Surfing Magazine, Eastern Surf Magazine, The Surfer's Path Magazine, Hooked on the Outdoors Magazine, surfline.com, and Quiksilver.com.

militia Man?

"Did you found a small militia on the Mexican-American border dedicated to stopping illegal immigration?"

Perhaps you've seen this Tim Donnelly on the Colbert Report. Sadly, it's still not me. But I did start a leaf-raking business in the sixth grade. We were practically a militia.

The poet?

"Did you know it that you're a poet (and faculty member at Columbia?)"

Definitely not.